On Family

“The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants.” Shakespeare

I spent the week during (and following) my graduation surrounded by my family. It’s like my Amah always said, “There are two ways into this family and only one way out…” I thought this would be a good excuse to discuss the roll of kin-folk in your search for meaning in the real world.

Here’s how I define family: People who will love you, no matter what you do.

Other than that, the qualifications are pretty minimal. Now here’s some rules to keep in mind regarding yourself and your loved ones.

1) A Family Affair

Although we would like to believe that days like graduation, birthdays, and bris are all about us, this is NOT the case. In fact, most of these milestones are designed more for those around you, than for you. Parents see graduation as a time to shower you with all kinds of stuff! Not just physically, but emotionally as well. It can be overwhelming to say the least. Thus, it serves as an important reminder of who helped you get to where you are and that your true celebration may not be on the football field as you fling your cap into the air, but in the dead of night, when no one else is around, as you realize how far you have come and what you have accomplished. It’s not easy to admit, but you’ve done a good job, despite and in spite, of what the family may say. But, as you sit at The Outback Steak House surrounded by the chaos, just remember to take a deep breath and tell yourself that this moment is for you, they just like to act like it’s for them. This is there way of making you feel loved and your way of making them feel wanted.

2) Let them Eat Cake!

Your family will try and do things for you! They will demand a thousand group photos, a thousand toasts, they will demand answers to a thousand questions, and they will demand a thousand extra hypoallergenic pillows in their hotel rooms. If you’re lucky, they may even give you gifts. “A dehumidifier! You shouldn’t have!” Your mom will demand that you let her fix your collar and that you remember to slow down at intersections when you are driving. Your father will demand to know what your plans are immediately and hand out your resume to anyone in a three-piece suite. Make sure to pick your battles, let them be who they are, and just shut up and say thank you. If they really want to buy you a new ski parka, even though you live in Southern California, let them do it. Or, suggest a compromise, like a new winter coat or scarf. If you hear a little voice in the back of your head shaming you (and it vaguely sounds like your 7th grade, passive aggressive, holier than thou math teacher) that’s just our old friend guilt and it’s best to duck tape that bitches mouth shut before she gets too far (SUCK IT MRS. TURNER!).

2) Be a sel-fish, but not just for the halibut.

Remember when I mentioned picking your battles? The flipside to that whole “let the family be who they are” thing is that you are in control. That’s right, I said it, YOU ARE IN CONTROL! This IS still your life and your day so, don’t let them hijack it! It’s a common misconception that you must do everything that your family wants in order to make up for the thousands of dollars they spent getting you through college. WRONG! It’s okay to take some time for yourself, to say that two-letter word that your mom taught you. NO! I don’t want to go antiquing! NO! I don’t want you to wear a sari to the Indian restaurant! NO! I am not going to call the cops on the kids standing on the corner because you think they look like characters from The Wire. I’m going to go for a walk, I’m going to go eat an entire turkey, I’m going to go see if those kids know where I can score something that will even me out a little bit…and I don’t know when I will be back. Saying NO does not make you a terrible son, grandson, nephew, or friend. It makes you sane. At this point, you may find that Guilt has chewed through her tape and started breaking all of your dishes. Just remember, I put some chloroform in your back pocket.

2) I Got 99 Problems…

This next one requires a little story from my own life. When I was a sophomore in high school, my grandpa died. His son, my uncle, had a falling out with the rest of the family, including his mother, over…????? At some point I thought I knew, but the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized that some people never learn how to leave their demons behind. His two children, the cousins I had grown up with and been very close with, took it upon themselves to stand by their father and never speak to the rest of the family again. It’s been almost ten years. My grandmother, his mother (and the unresolved childhood issues she represented), has passed beyond the cloudy vale to enter that great craft store in the sky. My uncle never said goodbye, he never even made an attempt, and neither did his children. It may be that they are perfectly content with the choices they have made, and even consider themesleves better for it. I will not pretend to understand their relationships because I am not them. However, I do have an opinion on this issue. As children, and at some point we have all been children, we come to view adults as Gods and Devils. The relationship is not always positive, but there is always a sense that they have mystical powers beyond our ken and that they are in control. We take what they say as the law written in blood. Sometime around puberty, we start to realize that they are mortal and we begin to forge our own destinies. However, it is hard to escape the impact that they have on our lives and to separate their baggage from our own. After all, their problems, are not our problems. Yet for some reason, we chain ourselves to their issues and feel we must defend them from everything. The truth is, it’s okay to disagree with your parents. It’s okay to disagree with your family, and it’s okay to separate yourself from their issues. My cousins (I’m only guessing here and could be totally wrong) felt that they might be betraying their father by talking to their grandmother and me, but that’s not true. It’s like when you were in high school and Jenny…you remember Jenny…she kissed Bobby at that one party....and “WE” were not talking to her? You know, “we”, the collective, the mass of minds that make up our lives. There is no “we”! Just because you or someone in your family has an issue, does not mean it has to be yours. It’s like the sad prince from Denmark once said, “A little more than kin, a little less than kind.”

4) When you stop being a kid, you start dying.

Stop trying to grow up! Stop aging yourself! It’s the quickest way to die miserable and alone! Maturity and wisdom comes with age, it’s a natural process and does not require you to actively seek out things you feel are “adult.” It’s still okay to sing in the shower. It’s still okay to dance in your underwear. It’s still okay to play freeze tag. It’s still okay to stay up all night and sleep all day. It’s still okay to not understand peoples obsession with pinot gris or listen to Kenny G. In fact, you will live a lot longer if you remember these things. It will remind you of what you love and who you are. Misery is not a trap, it’s a choice.

It’s like Amah said, “I always celebrate my birthdays, but I never count them.”

She lived until she was 94 and was still driving, eating at McDonalds, and doing the New York Times Crossword Puzzle.

PLESE BE ADVISED: This does not mean you should keep going on month long benders or refer to your girlfriend as your “lady friend.” Maturity and personal hygiene should be maintained.

5) The Void will fill itself

When the family finally leaves, and you find yourself curled up in the fetal position weeping, surrounded by nothing but silence and overwhelming self-doubt, just remember…

You are not alone. This too shall pass and…