Alien Abductions, Roofies, and that bitch Calypso!

The time will come when winter will ask you what you were doing all summer. ~Henry Clay

Until recently, I would never have described myself as a paranoid or suspicious person. I have always been, in my mind, a realist. I don’t follow conspiracy theories and although I don’t deny the presence of paranormal forces in this world, I don’t encourage them either. However, over the past few weeks, my attitude has changed dramatically. I feel…different. As if a wave of light has washed over my body. I feel like I am covered in a indescribable goo that I can’t wash off. Whatever beliefs I had before, the game has changed. I now believe that I am the victim of multiple alien abductions. Now I know what some of you might be thinking. “Aliens don’t abduct people in the suburbs!” That’s normally true. But what other explanation can there be?

Let me break down my experience for you: I wake up, usually around 10:30, 11:00. I meander out to the kitchen in search of sustenance (Did you know you can eat Spaghetti and Meatballs for breakfast?). On my way back to my bedroom I usually pass my television screen and feel compelled to turn on my Playstation®. I say to myself, “I’ll play for an hour.” So I sit down and begin, intent on playing for only that one hour. As I’m sitting there, skull bashing my way through ancient Greece, that’s when it hits me. The strange feeling of light and goo that I can’t resist engulfs my entire body. I suddenly become limp, passive, and mindless. Finally, the darkness overtakes me, and I blackout! When I wake up, it’s been six hours and I’m covered in the mutilated corpse of a tortilla chip bag and my shirt is stained with what is probably blood…or salsa, I’m too terrified to find out. For the rest of the day I wander around my house in my bathrobe. I don’t bathe, I don’t go outside, and I certainly don’t do anything productive. A classic case of alien abduction.

For the sake of argument, let’s say that I wasn’t abducted by aliens. I guess there could be other possibilities. Maybe my roommate’s dog slipped roofies into my Tang. Or the angry spirit of the ancient sea-witch Calypso has entered my home and, just like Odysseus, the passage of time is totally out of wack. I spent an hour in her realm and it’s really been a year. But let’s be honest, that’s just ridiculous. It’s not as if I just lost track of time. It’s not as if I actually spent five hours playing video games and eating junk food. No, of course not, I’m not that type of person. I’m not lazy! I don’t suffer from the lethargic drain of the everyman. I’m a millennial, not a damn Gen X-er! (Sorry to all you Bush fans out there). I am a doer. So, that leaves only one possibility…alien abduction.

All right fine! I was just lazy! There are you happy? I wasn’t abducted by aliens, I just don’t have a lot on my plate right now. I’ve been lazy for weeks. But it’s not my fault! The post graduation world is as seductive as that bitch Calypso! It’s like having a remote. You could get up and turn on the TV yourself, but why bother when you have a remote. You could go out get a job, start paying back those student loans, but most of us are not ready for the horrible shame of returning to 7.50 an hour and having to take orders from an assistant manager named Lance who just celebrated his 16th birthday. There’s nothing you “have to” do, just a lot of things you “could” or “should” be doing. You suddenly find yourself, for the first time in over four years, with all this time on your hands and that’s when the lethargy sets in. So the question is, should you be doing something? Are you a terrible person for not wanting to accomplish anything?

The answer is no…within reason. It seems completely normal that after spending four years kicking intellectual ass that you‘d want to take a break. The key, my interwebbing friends, is BALANCE. You have to find that sweet spot between productivity and relaxation. It’s going to be different for everyone. Some people can’t stand doing nothing, other people relish in it. Keep in mind that we are usually our own worst critics. Because of this, we usually start getting frustrated with ourselves and feel that we “have to” do things long before we actually “have to” do them. REMEMBER: You don’t “have to” do anything. I mean, you should bathe, and eat, pay your bills, and open doors for old ladies, but beyond that you are safe. You have to allow yourself to do nothing every once and awhile. It’s okay to ease into being a productive member of adult society. You are new at this. Then, when you are ready, go fourth in the name of credit car debt. It may be scary at first, and you might have to give yourself a little nudge, but once you begin, it feels great. Here’s a good way to start:

1) Grab a piece of paper and pen.

2) Write down four SMALL things that you know you can accomplish today. It can be as simple as empting the dishwasher, getting the mail, buying toilet paper, and eating a salad. 3) As you go through your day, cross each of these items off the list. The simple act of crossing something off does a lot to make you feel accomplished. It’s physical evidence that you’ve done something. I know it seems simple, but trust me, it works. More importantly, it helps you from overwhelming yourself. (If you get really desperate you can write: 1) Make list and then cross it off.)

It’s best to do this in the morning and start right away. That way you won’t run out of time and when you do sit down in front of the t.v., you feel like you’ve really earned it.

4) As the days pass, start putting one bigger thing on the list and three small things. For example: 1) Get Oil Changed. 2) Brush teeth 3) Pet cat. It’s up to you what counts as a “big thing”, for me it’s usually something that requires a lot of running around or mental work. 5) The more you do this, the more “big things” you can put on the list and the more productive you will feel. It’s important not to put too many things on your list though, because if you don’t finish the list, you might start beating yourself up. If you can’t do it today, wait until tomorrow to write it on the list.

Finally, remember to give yourself a break. Don’t be too hard on yourself and remember that now is the time to keep yourself open to new possibilities. There is not set path, only the path you choose for yourself.

WARNING: Prolonged laziness can lead to DEPRESSION. This is bad! Make sure you stay active, at least physically to stave off depression and don’t isolate yourself. Walking to the grocery store and talking to the person at the checkout stand is a great way to avoid this.

Now, write "read witty, insightful, and creative blog" and then cross it off your list.