The time will come when winter will ask you what you were doing all summer. ~Henry Clay
Until recently, I would never have described myself as a paranoid or suspicious person. I have always been, in my mind, a realist. I don’t follow conspiracy theories and although I don’t deny the presence of paranormal forces in this world, I don’t encourage them either. However, over the past few weeks, my attitude has changed dramatically. I feel…different. As if a wave of light has washed over my body. I feel like I am covered in a indescribable goo that I can’t wash off. Whatever beliefs I had before, the game has changed. I now believe that I am the victim of multiple alien abductions. Now I know what some of you might be thinking. “Aliens don’t abduct people in the suburbs!” That’s normally true. But what other explanation can there be?
Let me break down my experience for you: I wake up, usually around 10:30, 11:00. I meander out to the kitchen in search of sustenance (Did you know you can eat Spaghetti and Meatballs for breakfast?). On my way back to my bedroom I usually pass my television screen and feel compelled to turn on my Playstation®. I say to myself, “I’ll play for an hour.” So I sit down and begin, intent on playing for only that one hour. As I’m sitting there, skull bashing my way through ancient Greece, that’s when it hits me. The strange feeling of light and goo that I can’t resist engulfs my entire body. I suddenly become limp, passive, and mindless. Finally, the darkness overtakes me, and I blackout! When I wake up, it’s been six hours and I’m covered in the mutilated corpse of a tortilla chip bag and my shirt is stained with what is probably blood…or salsa, I’m too terrified to find out. For the rest of the day I wander around my house in my bathrobe. I don’t bathe, I don’t go outside, and I certainly don’t do anything productive. A classic case of alien abduction.
For the sake of argument, let’s say that I wasn’t abducted by aliens. I guess there could be other possibilities. Maybe my roommate’s dog slipped roofies into my Tang. Or the angry spirit of the ancient sea-witch Calypso has entered my home and, just like Odysseus, the passage of time is totally out of wack. I spent an hour in her realm and it’s really been a year. But let’s be honest, that’s just ridiculous. It’s not as if I just lost track of time. It’s not as if I actually spent five hours playing video games and eating junk food. No, of course not, I’m not that type of person. I’m not lazy! I don’t suffer from the lethargic drain of the everyman. I’m a millennial, not a damn Gen X-er! (Sorry to all you Bush fans out there). I am a doer. So, that leaves only one possibility…alien abduction.
All right fine! I was just lazy! There are you happy? I wasn’t abducted by aliens, I just don’t have a lot on my plate right now. I’ve been lazy for weeks. But it’s not my fault! The post graduation world is as seductive as that bitch Calypso! It’s like having a remote. You could get up and turn on the TV yourself, but why bother when you have a remote. You could go out get a job, start paying back those student loans, but most of us are not ready for the horrible shame of returning to 7.50 an hour and having to take orders from an assistant manager named Lance who just celebrated his 16th birthday. There’s nothing you “have to” do, just a lot of things you “could” or “should” be doing. You suddenly find yourself, for the first time in over four years, with all this time on your hands and that’s when the lethargy sets in. So the question is, should you be doing something? Are you a terrible person for not wanting to accomplish anything?
The answer is no…within reason. It seems completely normal that after spending four years kicking intellectual ass that you‘d want to take a break. The key, my interwebbing friends, is BALANCE. You have to find that sweet spot between productivity and relaxation. It’s going to be different for everyone. Some people can’t stand doing nothing, other people relish in it. Keep in mind that we are usually our own worst critics. Because of this, we usually start getting frustrated with ourselves and feel that we “have to” do things long before we actually “have to” do them. REMEMBER: You don’t “have to” do anything. I mean, you should bathe, and eat, pay your bills, and open doors for old ladies, but beyond that you are safe. You have to allow yourself to do nothing every once and awhile. It’s okay to ease into being a productive member of adult society. You are new at this. Then, when you are ready, go fourth in the name of credit car debt. It may be scary at first, and you might have to give yourself a little nudge, but once you begin, it feels great. Here’s a good way to start:
1) Grab a piece of paper and pen.
2) Write down four SMALL things that you know you can accomplish today. It can be as simple as empting the dishwasher, getting the mail, buying toilet paper, and eating a salad. 3) As you go through your day, cross each of these items off the list. The simple act of crossing something off does a lot to make you feel accomplished. It’s physical evidence that you’ve done something. I know it seems simple, but trust me, it works. More importantly, it helps you from overwhelming yourself. (If you get really desperate you can write: 1) Make list and then cross it off.)
It’s best to do this in the morning and start right away. That way you won’t run out of time and when you do sit down in front of the t.v., you feel like you’ve really earned it.
4) As the days pass, start putting one bigger thing on the list and three small things. For example: 1) Get Oil Changed. 2) Brush teeth 3) Pet cat. It’s up to you what counts as a “big thing”, for me it’s usually something that requires a lot of running around or mental work. 5) The more you do this, the more “big things” you can put on the list and the more productive you will feel. It’s important not to put too many things on your list though, because if you don’t finish the list, you might start beating yourself up. If you can’t do it today, wait until tomorrow to write it on the list.
Finally, remember to give yourself a break. Don’t be too hard on yourself and remember that now is the time to keep yourself open to new possibilities. There is not set path, only the path you choose for yourself.
WARNING: Prolonged laziness can lead to DEPRESSION. This is bad! Make sure you stay active, at least physically to stave off depression and don’t isolate yourself. Walking to the grocery store and talking to the person at the checkout stand is a great way to avoid this.
Now, write "read witty, insightful, and creative blog" and then cross it off your list.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Why I Hate Eating At Denny's
The question of breakfast vs. dinner is one that has plagued mankind for centuries. The idea that a restaurant could offer so many choices 24 hours a day seemed, at first, to be a gift from the gods. However, man quickly learned the harsh realities of such variety. In 423 B.C. Plato completed a lengthy dialogue in which he contemplated what he dubbed, “Dilemma Denniatos.” Directly translated this phrase can be roughly stated as, “Fighting Godstuff.” More accurately, English scholars have come to refer to this theory as, “The Denny’s Dilemma.” This theory states that when man is confronted with unlimited choices, he will not easily know which one to choose. Thus, the choice between Moons over My Hammy and The Denny’s Slamburger
(One of the lesser known trials of Heracles)
transforms itself from something that should be beautiful, into a test of personal strength and willpower. All joking aside, the post-graduation world is full of choices. Just like The Denny’s Menu, there are often times too many choices. I sometimes find myself unsure of what to do next, because there is no set path. Do I choose the safe one? Or the one less traveled? Do I apply for jobs in my field immediately, or do I travel the world? The important thing to remember is that no matter what you choose to do, you are not trapped. I can’t tell you how many times I hear people telling me they, “have to” do something. You don’t have to do anything! So you graduated, you got your degree in Advanced Russian Dungeons & Dragons™. That’s great! But it doesn’t mean you have to start looking for a job as a Dungeon Master. Me, I signed up for SCUBA lessons this week. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and it’s also something that I’m pretty terrified of. I think that’s why I’m doing it. It’s my attempt at a carpe diem attitude. Just remember to keep an open mind and say yes to all the wonderful possibilities you have before you. Just because you choose one path, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. So many people end up living miserably because they think they “have to” do something. It is your life, be a driver not a passenger, be a steamboat not a sailboat, shoot for the moon and other clichés. Say yes to the Lumberjack Slam today, because tomorrow is a new day and that means another chance to try The Maple Bacon Sundae.
transforms itself from something that should be beautiful, into a test of personal strength and willpower. All joking aside, the post-graduation world is full of choices. Just like The Denny’s Menu, there are often times too many choices. I sometimes find myself unsure of what to do next, because there is no set path. Do I choose the safe one? Or the one less traveled? Do I apply for jobs in my field immediately, or do I travel the world? The important thing to remember is that no matter what you choose to do, you are not trapped. I can’t tell you how many times I hear people telling me they, “have to” do something. You don’t have to do anything! So you graduated, you got your degree in Advanced Russian Dungeons & Dragons™. That’s great! But it doesn’t mean you have to start looking for a job as a Dungeon Master. Me, I signed up for SCUBA lessons this week. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and it’s also something that I’m pretty terrified of. I think that’s why I’m doing it. It’s my attempt at a carpe diem attitude. Just remember to keep an open mind and say yes to all the wonderful possibilities you have before you. Just because you choose one path, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. So many people end up living miserably because they think they “have to” do something. It is your life, be a driver not a passenger, be a steamboat not a sailboat, shoot for the moon and other clichés. Say yes to the Lumberjack Slam today, because tomorrow is a new day and that means another chance to try The Maple Bacon Sundae.
Friday, June 3, 2011
On Family
“The voice of parents is the voice of gods, for to their children they are heaven’s lieutenants.” Shakespeare
I spent the week during (and following) my graduation surrounded by my family. It’s like my Amah always said, “There are two ways into this family and only one way out…” I thought this would be a good excuse to discuss the roll of kin-folk in your search for meaning in the real world.
Here’s how I define family: People who will love you, no matter what you do.
Other than that, the qualifications are pretty minimal. Now here’s some rules to keep in mind regarding yourself and your loved ones.
1) A Family Affair
Although we would like to believe that days like graduation, birthdays, and bris are all about us, this is NOT the case. In fact, most of these milestones are designed more for those around you, than for you. Parents see graduation as a time to shower you with all kinds of stuff! Not just physically, but emotionally as well. It can be overwhelming to say the least. Thus, it serves as an important reminder of who helped you get to where you are and that your true celebration may not be on the football field as you fling your cap into the air, but in the dead of night, when no one else is around, as you realize how far you have come and what you have accomplished. It’s not easy to admit, but you’ve done a good job, despite and in spite, of what the family may say. But, as you sit at The Outback Steak House surrounded by the chaos, just remember to take a deep breath and tell yourself that this moment is for you, they just like to act like it’s for them. This is there way of making you feel loved and your way of making them feel wanted.
2) Let them Eat Cake!
Your family will try and do things for you! They will demand a thousand group photos, a thousand toasts, they will demand answers to a thousand questions, and they will demand a thousand extra hypoallergenic pillows in their hotel rooms. If you’re lucky, they may even give you gifts. “A dehumidifier! You shouldn’t have!” Your mom will demand that you let her fix your collar and that you remember to slow down at intersections when you are driving. Your father will demand to know what your plans are immediately and hand out your resume to anyone in a three-piece suite. Make sure to pick your battles, let them be who they are, and just shut up and say thank you. If they really want to buy you a new ski parka, even though you live in Southern California, let them do it. Or, suggest a compromise, like a new winter coat or scarf. If you hear a little voice in the back of your head shaming you (and it vaguely sounds like your 7th grade, passive aggressive, holier than thou math teacher) that’s just our old friend guilt and it’s best to duck tape that bitches mouth shut before she gets too far (SUCK IT MRS. TURNER!).
2) Be a sel-fish, but not just for the halibut.
Remember when I mentioned picking your battles? The flipside to that whole “let the family be who they are” thing is that you are in control. That’s right, I said it, YOU ARE IN CONTROL! This IS still your life and your day so, don’t let them hijack it! It’s a common misconception that you must do everything that your family wants in order to make up for the thousands of dollars they spent getting you through college. WRONG! It’s okay to take some time for yourself, to say that two-letter word that your mom taught you. NO! I don’t want to go antiquing! NO! I don’t want you to wear a sari to the Indian restaurant! NO! I am not going to call the cops on the kids standing on the corner because you think they look like characters from The Wire. I’m going to go for a walk, I’m going to go eat an entire turkey, I’m going to go see if those kids know where I can score something that will even me out a little bit…and I don’t know when I will be back. Saying NO does not make you a terrible son, grandson, nephew, or friend. It makes you sane. At this point, you may find that Guilt has chewed through her tape and started breaking all of your dishes. Just remember, I put some chloroform in your back pocket.
2) I Got 99 Problems…
This next one requires a little story from my own life. When I was a sophomore in high school, my grandpa died. His son, my uncle, had a falling out with the rest of the family, including his mother, over…????? At some point I thought I knew, but the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized that some people never learn how to leave their demons behind. His two children, the cousins I had grown up with and been very close with, took it upon themselves to stand by their father and never speak to the rest of the family again. It’s been almost ten years. My grandmother, his mother (and the unresolved childhood issues she represented), has passed beyond the cloudy vale to enter that great craft store in the sky. My uncle never said goodbye, he never even made an attempt, and neither did his children. It may be that they are perfectly content with the choices they have made, and even consider themesleves better for it. I will not pretend to understand their relationships because I am not them. However, I do have an opinion on this issue. As children, and at some point we have all been children, we come to view adults as Gods and Devils. The relationship is not always positive, but there is always a sense that they have mystical powers beyond our ken and that they are in control. We take what they say as the law written in blood. Sometime around puberty, we start to realize that they are mortal and we begin to forge our own destinies. However, it is hard to escape the impact that they have on our lives and to separate their baggage from our own. After all, their problems, are not our problems. Yet for some reason, we chain ourselves to their issues and feel we must defend them from everything. The truth is, it’s okay to disagree with your parents. It’s okay to disagree with your family, and it’s okay to separate yourself from their issues. My cousins (I’m only guessing here and could be totally wrong) felt that they might be betraying their father by talking to their grandmother and me, but that’s not true. It’s like when you were in high school and Jenny…you remember Jenny…she kissed Bobby at that one party....and “WE” were not talking to her? You know, “we”, the collective, the mass of minds that make up our lives. There is no “we”! Just because you or someone in your family has an issue, does not mean it has to be yours. It’s like the sad prince from Denmark once said, “A little more than kin, a little less than kind.”
4) When you stop being a kid, you start dying.
Stop trying to grow up! Stop aging yourself! It’s the quickest way to die miserable and alone! Maturity and wisdom comes with age, it’s a natural process and does not require you to actively seek out things you feel are “adult.” It’s still okay to sing in the shower. It’s still okay to dance in your underwear. It’s still okay to play freeze tag. It’s still okay to stay up all night and sleep all day. It’s still okay to not understand peoples obsession with pinot gris or listen to Kenny G. In fact, you will live a lot longer if you remember these things. It will remind you of what you love and who you are. Misery is not a trap, it’s a choice.
It’s like Amah said, “I always celebrate my birthdays, but I never count them.”
She lived until she was 94 and was still driving, eating at McDonalds, and doing the New York Times Crossword Puzzle.
PLESE BE ADVISED: This does not mean you should keep going on month long benders or refer to your girlfriend as your “lady friend.” Maturity and personal hygiene should be maintained.
5) The Void will fill itself
When the family finally leaves, and you find yourself curled up in the fetal position weeping, surrounded by nothing but silence and overwhelming self-doubt, just remember…
You are not alone. This too shall pass and…
I spent the week during (and following) my graduation surrounded by my family. It’s like my Amah always said, “There are two ways into this family and only one way out…” I thought this would be a good excuse to discuss the roll of kin-folk in your search for meaning in the real world.
Here’s how I define family: People who will love you, no matter what you do.
Other than that, the qualifications are pretty minimal. Now here’s some rules to keep in mind regarding yourself and your loved ones.
1) A Family Affair
Although we would like to believe that days like graduation, birthdays, and bris are all about us, this is NOT the case. In fact, most of these milestones are designed more for those around you, than for you. Parents see graduation as a time to shower you with all kinds of stuff! Not just physically, but emotionally as well. It can be overwhelming to say the least. Thus, it serves as an important reminder of who helped you get to where you are and that your true celebration may not be on the football field as you fling your cap into the air, but in the dead of night, when no one else is around, as you realize how far you have come and what you have accomplished. It’s not easy to admit, but you’ve done a good job, despite and in spite, of what the family may say. But, as you sit at The Outback Steak House surrounded by the chaos, just remember to take a deep breath and tell yourself that this moment is for you, they just like to act like it’s for them. This is there way of making you feel loved and your way of making them feel wanted.
2) Let them Eat Cake!
Your family will try and do things for you! They will demand a thousand group photos, a thousand toasts, they will demand answers to a thousand questions, and they will demand a thousand extra hypoallergenic pillows in their hotel rooms. If you’re lucky, they may even give you gifts. “A dehumidifier! You shouldn’t have!” Your mom will demand that you let her fix your collar and that you remember to slow down at intersections when you are driving. Your father will demand to know what your plans are immediately and hand out your resume to anyone in a three-piece suite. Make sure to pick your battles, let them be who they are, and just shut up and say thank you. If they really want to buy you a new ski parka, even though you live in Southern California, let them do it. Or, suggest a compromise, like a new winter coat or scarf. If you hear a little voice in the back of your head shaming you (and it vaguely sounds like your 7th grade, passive aggressive, holier than thou math teacher) that’s just our old friend guilt and it’s best to duck tape that bitches mouth shut before she gets too far (SUCK IT MRS. TURNER!).
2) Be a sel-fish, but not just for the halibut.
Remember when I mentioned picking your battles? The flipside to that whole “let the family be who they are” thing is that you are in control. That’s right, I said it, YOU ARE IN CONTROL! This IS still your life and your day so, don’t let them hijack it! It’s a common misconception that you must do everything that your family wants in order to make up for the thousands of dollars they spent getting you through college. WRONG! It’s okay to take some time for yourself, to say that two-letter word that your mom taught you. NO! I don’t want to go antiquing! NO! I don’t want you to wear a sari to the Indian restaurant! NO! I am not going to call the cops on the kids standing on the corner because you think they look like characters from The Wire. I’m going to go for a walk, I’m going to go eat an entire turkey, I’m going to go see if those kids know where I can score something that will even me out a little bit…and I don’t know when I will be back. Saying NO does not make you a terrible son, grandson, nephew, or friend. It makes you sane. At this point, you may find that Guilt has chewed through her tape and started breaking all of your dishes. Just remember, I put some chloroform in your back pocket.
2) I Got 99 Problems…
This next one requires a little story from my own life. When I was a sophomore in high school, my grandpa died. His son, my uncle, had a falling out with the rest of the family, including his mother, over…????? At some point I thought I knew, but the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized that some people never learn how to leave their demons behind. His two children, the cousins I had grown up with and been very close with, took it upon themselves to stand by their father and never speak to the rest of the family again. It’s been almost ten years. My grandmother, his mother (and the unresolved childhood issues she represented), has passed beyond the cloudy vale to enter that great craft store in the sky. My uncle never said goodbye, he never even made an attempt, and neither did his children. It may be that they are perfectly content with the choices they have made, and even consider themesleves better for it. I will not pretend to understand their relationships because I am not them. However, I do have an opinion on this issue. As children, and at some point we have all been children, we come to view adults as Gods and Devils. The relationship is not always positive, but there is always a sense that they have mystical powers beyond our ken and that they are in control. We take what they say as the law written in blood. Sometime around puberty, we start to realize that they are mortal and we begin to forge our own destinies. However, it is hard to escape the impact that they have on our lives and to separate their baggage from our own. After all, their problems, are not our problems. Yet for some reason, we chain ourselves to their issues and feel we must defend them from everything. The truth is, it’s okay to disagree with your parents. It’s okay to disagree with your family, and it’s okay to separate yourself from their issues. My cousins (I’m only guessing here and could be totally wrong) felt that they might be betraying their father by talking to their grandmother and me, but that’s not true. It’s like when you were in high school and Jenny…you remember Jenny…she kissed Bobby at that one party....and “WE” were not talking to her? You know, “we”, the collective, the mass of minds that make up our lives. There is no “we”! Just because you or someone in your family has an issue, does not mean it has to be yours. It’s like the sad prince from Denmark once said, “A little more than kin, a little less than kind.”
4) When you stop being a kid, you start dying.
Stop trying to grow up! Stop aging yourself! It’s the quickest way to die miserable and alone! Maturity and wisdom comes with age, it’s a natural process and does not require you to actively seek out things you feel are “adult.” It’s still okay to sing in the shower. It’s still okay to dance in your underwear. It’s still okay to play freeze tag. It’s still okay to stay up all night and sleep all day. It’s still okay to not understand peoples obsession with pinot gris or listen to Kenny G. In fact, you will live a lot longer if you remember these things. It will remind you of what you love and who you are. Misery is not a trap, it’s a choice.
It’s like Amah said, “I always celebrate my birthdays, but I never count them.”
She lived until she was 94 and was still driving, eating at McDonalds, and doing the New York Times Crossword Puzzle.
PLESE BE ADVISED: This does not mean you should keep going on month long benders or refer to your girlfriend as your “lady friend.” Maturity and personal hygiene should be maintained.
5) The Void will fill itself
When the family finally leaves, and you find yourself curled up in the fetal position weeping, surrounded by nothing but silence and overwhelming self-doubt, just remember…
You are not alone. This too shall pass and…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)